So, there’s a funny thing about trauma. About pain. We’re wired to forget it. We’re literally programmed to dull the pain, to forget how bad everything hurt, so we can continue moving forward.
It’s the end of October. And you know what? I’m doing really, really great.
There’s a small part of me that hates that? That wants to rage and scream and ask myself what the hell is wrong with me? How can I be okay? How can I be okay when nothing is even remotely better? If anything, things are worse?
I think it’s because I died. Not, like, literally. I’m still very much breathing, thank you. But the part of me that could feel that hurt, the part of me that could process that pain, the part of me that was shocked and terrified and unable to cope, the part of me that wanted to – no, begged to – die?
I think she got what she wanted. I can’t find her anymore. The state of everything crushed the life out of her.
I wonder if it’s better this way?
I do have a lot of anxiety about the election. I kind of feel like I’m living on borrowed time. If Tr*mp wins again in November I don’t know what’s going to happen. But I also don’t know what will happen if he loses. I’m still kind of Team We’re Fucked™.
But you know what? Part of me is okay with this being borrowed time. I stared my own mortality in the face this summer, I’m not really scared anymore. If I die, I die. 🤷🏻♀️ At least if I die in November I’m gonna die fresh off the back of a hella lit autumn.
September was good. At least, I think it was? I don’t really remember anything that happened in September. I know I drew Matt (and it turned out to be one of my best), I dyed my hair purple (but Manic Panic sucks and it only stayed for like a week), and Seth and I picked apples and had a really beautiful day. But that’s all that comes to mind.
Like, this is September:
I knew going into October, though, that it was going to be a good month.
And let me tell you – only two things on that list have happened so far and it’s already been a wonderfully fantastic month.
Seth and I celebrated 10 years this year. (Three married, ten total.) It’s wild to think about the fact that I’m old enough to have a decade-long relationship. In just a few years, we’ll have been together for half of my life. And I wouldn’t change anything about it. I don’t know what on Earth I did to deserve such an absolutely fantastic man, but every day I’m thankful to have him. He’s my best friend, and the love of my life, and I am so, so fucking lucky.
To celebrate 10 years, we took a week-long vacation. Well… staycation. We spent most of it on the coast, but did it in a series of day trips, not staying over anywhere. The idea of sleeping in a hotel filled me with dread. 🙃
We went to the Coastal Maine Botanical Gardens for one of their last days. I didn’t expect there to be so many blooms in the middle of October, but there were – and they were stunning. I brought my camera along (I’m getting good at this photography thing) and just geeked out the entire day taking photos. It was wonderful.
For our actual anniversary – the 15th – we had an adventure. We woke up at 5 AM, hit the road while it was still dark, and watched the sun rise on our drive up to Bar Harbor. Then we took a three-hour nature/lighthouse cruise around MDI. It was stunning. (I also had a massive panic attack, accidentally lost a scrunchie in the ocean, and threw up because sea sickness. None of those experiences sullied the day in any way. It was that good.)
We spent the rest of the day on MDI. Caught the sunrise AND the sunset. It was a really fantastic day.
We spent the rest of the week doing stereotypical mushy shit. We ate lots of takeout, cuddled under blankets and watched movies, slow danced in the kitchen. It was a weirdly normal, weirdly blissful week.
And then – to top everything off – I got an email in the middle of the week that a Very Important Package™ had shipped. It arrived on Monday.
Now… when I placed this order in August, I cried about it. Because I didn’t think I could justify spending so much money for something so silly. I felt so dumb, because as they say, “Money can’t buy happiness.”
But it bought me a signed 8×10 photo of Matt Smith that he decided to draw a heart on. So I think that’s a lie.
Side Note: When I ordered this I was really stressed. Originally, I wanted to see if I could get “Brighter than sunflowers” in the box and see if he’d write that out. But I was scared and only put my name in the box because I was like “Kyrie, he’s a ~Real Human Person~, don’t make it weird.” And then he just goes and is like “This bitch definitely deserves a heart doodle. Bam. Let’s make it weird.” Can I just say that makes me adore him even more? 🥰
I don’t know if this month can get better. But if it does, I’ll keep you posted. And, you know, if this is the last thing I ever post (because November) at least it’s full of joy.
2020 y’all. It’s been WILD.