371 Days.

Matt Smith Protection Squad

I didn’t expect to live a full year into the pandemic. Like, this time last year I was terrified. Terrified of COVID, then terrified of what life had in store, then terrified of myself and the things I was discovering about who I am and how I feel. There were so many moments where I was convinced that 2020 was going to be my last year, that I was going to be perpetually 26, and that, at some point, there would be no more me. Either from the plague or because I opted out.

But here I am. A full orbit around the Sun and I’m still here, still kicking. I’ve managed to avoid the plague and while there were several moments where I wasn’t sure I was safe from myself, I managed to make it through the year more or less unscathed. Maybe a few more scars, a few more tattoos, a SHITLOAD more sense-of-self and a few mental health diagnoses but you know, it’s probably better than dead.

I just turned 27! And I got myself several gifts for my 27th birthday. One was a signed Nick Jonas Album (Go stream Spaceman. Now. The whole album is incredible.), the other was a therapist and a psychiatrist. Turns out, I’m bipolar! Which, honestly, makes a lot of sense. I’ve had cycles of ups and downs since I was in middle school. I’ve had the days where I can’t do anything but sit in bed and cry and want out, then I’ve also had the days where I’m over the fucking moon for no reason and I feel dangerously elated. I’ve always known the two go together. So I’m working on getting treatment for that which should, hopefully, make my life a lot easier. Fingers crossed, anyways.

Aside from getting my shit together, my days have been more or less the same. I play Animal Crossing, I draw Matt Smith, I do the oui’d. (Although, since starting my meds I’ve actually been almost completely sober!) I have been trying to do other things to fill in the time better. I dyed my whole head pink (because I thought it’d be fun), I destroyed and re-organized my living room (we have a new electric fireplace and it’s beautiful), and I’ve been experimenting a lot with makeup (I have mastered glitter eyeshadow and 16-year-old me would be thrilled). I’ve also been just… vibing. I’ve made some friends on Twitter with similar interests (mainly Matt Smith) and it makes me happy to have some people to talk to sometimes.

Here’s the last few months in photo-grid form, because words are hard and I’m more of a ~vibe~ person, you know?

I think this is the last post I’m going do make counting the days. Mostly because it’s been a whole ass year and I’m tired of being stuck in the past. Nothing is ever going back to the way it was in early 2020. All we can do now is move forward, you know? Pre-COVID normal is dead, and framing my days in context to what I’ve lost is silly. I want to focus on getting my head on straight and moving forward with my life, in whatever form it takes.

Here’s to better tomorrows, eh?

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